The Aftermath
I miss you.
I miss you every time I wake up because now I won’t be seeing you hours after.
I miss you every morning and that faint scent of cigarette from your morning ritual of smoking.
At nights, I miss you even worse, for I don’t know how to spend my nights without having you around anymore.
I hate it.
I hate that I no longer know how to live a life without you on it.
I hate that I’m going crazy because I miss you so much when it was all my fault and entirely my decision to move away from you.
I knew it.
I knew that I’ll regret that decision I made, but I still did it anyway.
I knew that this feeling is going nowhere, but…
I love you.
I still end up loving you.
I love you even though I mustn’t.
I love you even though I know it’s only by miracle that you’ll love me back.
I love you and I don’t know how to not love you anymore.
I just want to have someone I can talk to when there’s no one else to talk to. Someone who will just listen and won’t judge me or think of me differently because of my weird musings, rants, opinions and perspectives in life. Someone who will say, once I’m done talking or crying, that everything will be okay, even though they won’t be. Someone who will comfort me, even just on words. Someone I can hold on to when I’m losing my grip. Someone whose embrace feels like home where it feels safe and comfortable.
Every night I miss you.
Every raindrop reminds me of you.
Every song seems to be all about you.
Every star makes me further fall for you.
Everything just simply makes me want to chase after you.
You are a puzzle piece that completes me.
A french movie film that entertains me.
A meteor shower that thrills me.
A math equation that troubles me.
A hard spiked ball that hurts me.
The Harry Potter of my childhood.
My favorite Savage Garden song.
The Absolut in my vodka.
My lover turned friend.
The boy whom I have always been and will always be.
Every person needs someone they can be selfish with. And that’s why I’ve always been here for you.
Because the magic lives on…
I was 9 or 10 when an older cousin of mine, Ate Vaness, asked me if I know and read Harry Potter. I shook my head and said no. She introduced me a bit about this book about wizardry and magic. But that was it.
Shortly after I came across about the news of the book being made into a movie. I was excited for some reason ‘cause this must be something great after all ‘cause the book was made into a movie. I remember asking my dad to grab some copy of the movie (yes, pirated cds) days or a week after the showing. I was grade 5 by that time, I’m good at my English subjects but not really familiar with British accents and expressions. So it was tough for me to understand the film. So I had to watch it twice to finally understand what the hell was happening in the film. I even invited my friends at our place to watch it all together and gushed over Dan. We were all getting *kilig* ‘cause we noticed that one of our guy classmate resembles Dan. And that boy was my biggest & longest crush, my puppy love, and my first heartbreak.
Before the second movie came out, I already read the 2nd book, the Chamber of secrets, the first ever fictional book that I actually finished, understood, and read with enthusiasm. What’s funny though was that, the book wasn’t mine. It was my late grandmother’s book. Of course my grandma did not read it ‘cause she doesn’t like stuff that has wizardry and witchcraft on it (she was a solid Catholic and she’s half Spanish). I remember having an argument with her and locked myself at our room (yes, I once share the room w/ my grandma) for several hours. I was dying from boredom, so picked up the book and started reading. The following day, i did not eat lunch to finish the book. And on that day, I knew Harry Potter is going to change my life forever.
I borrowed books from friends, forced my parents to pay for movie tickets and watch it with me. Fought with my parents, but more of just my dad, because they did not want me to watch The Chamber of Secrets movie and be engrossed with all these wizardry & witchcraft fandom. But then they have to give up and buy me cds of the movie. Went to a family gathering only to end up ignoring them all because I was busy finishing book 5, Order of the Phoenix. I chanted spells on school games/activities. Read and followed fan fictions and rooted for H/HR (harry-hermione) and Hermione-Draco pairing. Wished I can pull of British accent decently. Cried when I found out Dumbledore died. Hated Cho Chang & Ginny Weasley. Watched and read Twilight just because I learned Robert Pattinson was Edward, and I pretty much gushed over him on the Goblet of Fire movie. Loved boys wearing glasses because they are so cool. I even had dreams about Harry, Hermione, and Ron being my friends, riding a cab, traveling the streets of London.
Basically, I grew up, lived my teenage life, having Harry Potter as books to read and movies that I must watch. I may not be one of the biggest fans of the series, but it was something i enjoyed, loved and has become part of my life.
10 years has passed. Dan Radcliffe may no longer be one of my biggest crushes. And though I might still be in love with the same boy from 5th grade whom I called my real life Harry Potter, the magical and spectacular series has to end. But the story lives forever in our hearts. Just like what J.K Rowling herself has said, Hogwarts will always be there.
No matter how little that happiness you are giving me, I still hold on to it, treasuring it, making every ounce count, not letting a single drop be wasted.
Cause no matter how little and insufficient it is, it still makes me happy. You still make me happy.
I want a photo wall like this in my future humble place - in which all the pictures hanged are photos taken by myself. And I wish to have more long boyish polo too in the future.
DETACHED
Slowly, I’m trying to put pieces of my life back together and getting a hold of it. I was lost, and I believe I still am. I detached myself from reality intentionally. I neglected obstacles forth me and went into hiding, to avoid having to face fear and anxiety about the future (my future) and on the life changing decisions I am going to make.
But the pressure continues to build up. Months past the deadline I set to myself, yet I haven’t figured out what I really wanted to do. And so I have to make something up. I have to start doing something then problem the rest and the consequences of my actions later on.
EAT. PRAY. LOVE.
I haven’t finished the book, yet I’m already psyched to plan/do/have my own version of “eat pray love” drama inspired by Gilbert’s sky’s the limit (almost) search for happiness.
But even before reading the book, I already dreamed of traveling from one country to another in search for… I don’t know exactly what. Love, maybe? Food to die for and would regret not having a taste of when I die? Scenery, so beautiful I just have to see and experience?
All I know is that, traveling would surely make me happy. Maybe it’s the thrill I get from riding planes. Or because I just love gliding the wheels of my luggage. Or because I love hotels so much I want to live in one. Or because the sun shines differently at that other part of the globe. Or just plainly because they(other countries) are not as polluted as Manila.
But behind all the thrills, traveling scares the fuck out of me. Traveling means not staying and always moving forward. It means living and leaving at the same time. It’s like a short time love affair for that happiness you are looking for. Once you find it and fell in love with it, you’d have to leave it sooner or later. Oh but can you leave someone/something you love?
How can I travel and live my dream when you’ll be left here. How will I be able to bear leaving you? When I love you this much, how can I be everywhere or anywhere in this world but not with you?
Looking For Schools…
And I’m asking myself, if this is really what I want. Do I really want this? What do I want at the first place? I’m not so sure about what do I really want. But all I know is that I have to move forward and make things happen for me. I need to learn more, make progress, develop and grow. Aim for more till I get satisfied with who I am becoming.
I need to realize that if I want my dreams to come true, I have to make them. I need to stop wishing. I have to start acting.
