It’s not the lonely and silent nights I am afraid of. It’s waking up, every single day, knowing I have to live, bear, and struggle through the same excruciating loneliness all over again.
I am tired of living alone. I love the freedom it gives me. But it never is good to deal with everything life throws at you alone.
It has always been tough. A road full of bumps that has almost always reached a dead end. But for whatever reason, grace and mercy the heaven has given to make me think we can still work it out, I desperately hold on to it. I have so much faith on us. That even on the very last string this relationship has, I hold on to it tightly.
But today, that string has been cut off. Your self-absorbed nonchalant self doesn’t even have a clue that I was already at the edge of the cliff. You are too emotionally troubled by the miseries you’ve brought upon yourself. I am tired of helping you. I am tired of fixing things for you. I am so tired of you taking me for granted. I am tired of trying to make things work when you don’t even give a damn about what I feel.
This is it. The end to all these sufferings, frustrations, tears, and burdens. Why was I holding on? Because of love? Am I really that foolish to seek love from you when you can’t even love yourself? Is it because of sex? I am ravished and thoroughly fucked. But at the back of my mind, I know you were so into it because you needed something to divert your worries and frustration to. And I was the perfect tool to have the release you needed.
“I don’t want this anymore.”
I tried not to look at you when I uttered those words. I couldn’t bare to see the look on your face upon hearing those words. Your lips curving to a frown. Your eyes staring blankly as you try to prevent those tears. You’re startled and trying to contain the panic inside you. You’re hesitant to make a move thinking that one wrong move will make me walk out in your life completely. But I will, even if you make a move or not.
I took the deepest breath in my life before saying the words,”I’m sorry”, knowing these will be the last of it. The end of the road.
And before qualms arise and beat me in to making a move, I turned my back, walk through the door, and shut them. I took another deep breath and before I can think about what I have just done, I started running - away from you.